Monday, August 12, 2013

40 was a Rough Year.

I'm a very lucky lady. I wasn't saying that last year. Even though I had so many things to be thankful for I was having a hard time seeing it because I was struggling within. I spent last year struggling with my anxiety. I felt I lost who I was and thought I would never be the same again. After several panic attacks I started January finding a therapist and seeing doctors to find out why I was so miserable. I would have an anxiety attack every time I saw a doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist afraid they were going to say I was crazy or dying. The worst part was they couldn't pin point one reason and fix it in one day.

I put myself on a new birth control pill to regulate my hormones, new vitamins to help balance my other chemicals, exercise, no caffeine, and talk to a therapist every week. I even tried accupressure massage and acupuncture. I'm a fighter but I have to admit I felt I was losing the battle. I never prayed so much in my life.

Waking up every morning with your heart racing is the worst way to start your day. I took meds for awhile to help get my day started. For some reason my anxiety was always high at 6 am like clock work. By 4 pm it was completely gone. I lived for 4pm because I knew I would feel like my normal self and like I could conquer the world. Then 6am wake up would remind me nope you are not normal you are full of anxiety and afraid of everything. Nobody understood and I cried a lot. Crying was nice because it made me feel better but bad because it made me feel weak.

Even now as I write this my eyes feel with tears because the pain is still very raw. I saw a therapist for a couple months and found this blog Anxiety no more that really helped me through this dark tunnel. I don't want to say I don't have anxiety because I do. I believe I've always been an anxious person. I feel my first panic attack and depression is what made me enter the dark tunnel. Sometimes I go back in but the good part of it is the tunnel isn't as scary and the not as dark anymore.

Knowing what I know now about myself and anxiety took the real fear out of it. It is still very uncomfortable but I know now that I can get through it. For a long time I carried my meds with me where ever I went. Now I feel secure in myself that I can handle it.

I'm telling my story because I know there are many people out there going through the same battle. I hate to put myself out there but I also am willing to do so in order for at least one person to feel they are not alone and give them some hope. Today is my birthday and last year I didn't even want to celebrate. This year I want to shout out I am 41 and I feel amazing! For those of you fighting this battle, trust me you will get through it. It will be hard and you will always remember those really hard times but they are there to help you get through the next war.